This here is everything you need to know about every team in MLS in twelve words.

The Eastern Conference

• Chicago Fire: Untried
• Columbus Crew: SigiSized
• DC United: Maturing
• Kansas City Wizards: Ordinary
• Red Bull New York: MetroStars
• New England Revolution: Consistent

• CD Chivas USA: Gringofied
• Colorado Rapids: Rudderless
• FC Dallas: Stagnant
• Houston Dynamo: Pacesetter
• Los Angeles Galaxy: Puffery
• Real Salt Lake: Antiquated

Oh, fine, gringofied and SigiSized aren’t real words. But neither is MetroStars.

Yes, I know. I haven’t written in a while. You know how it is.

But buried in a long forsaken corner of an old hard-drive I just found the old MLS Takeover spot from - what - 2000 or so?

Here it is for your viewing pleasure: MLS Takeover

And, yes, I suppose it doesn’t really count as “MLS advertising” because it was produced by ESPN. Still …

At the east end of South Street in Philadelphia there’s a pedestrian walkway crossing over I-95. At the end of that walkway there’s a little observation deck overlooking the Delaware River.

It’s a good place to hang out while sobering up after having a few incapacitating beverages. And I admit, back in the day, I ambled down there once or twice (and perhaps a few times more) for just that purpose. It’s a nice view even if it is Camden across the way.

But I wasn’t a real Philadelphian. I was just passing through for a few years. A real Philadelphian would have been more attuned to the fine points of Pennsylvania geography than I was.

I’m not talking about the old adage that Pennsylvania is Pittsburg in the west, Philadephia in the east, and Alabama in the middle. I’m talking about the fact that Philly to a Philadelphian is a coastal city on the Atlantic Ocean.

When a real Philadelphian stands at the end of that South Street walkway and looks out over the water they see a clear shot to Europe because in their mind South Jersey isn’t really there.

(Atlantic City, by the way, is an island off the eastern seaboard. It’s like the Bermuda. But you can drive to it.)

So when I read Major League Soccer was in negotiations with Rowan University in Glassboro, New Jersey to build a new soccer specific stadium and play host to a new expansion team for the Philadelphia region I was, to say the least, skeptical.

On a map Glassboro isn’t that far from Philadelphia. It’s not even that far from Philadelphia’s western suburbs. But maps simply can’t account for that unique Philadelphian sense of geography.

I’m sure the franchise (assuming it really happens) will do just fine and draw plenty of fans from South Jersey. And I suspect those South Jersey folks will be doubly happy if the team is called FC Philadelphia.

The question is whether anyone actually from Philadelphia will support a team in South Jersey. I suppose there’ll be at least some Pennsylvania bred die-hards that show up. But how many?

Even if it’s nominally a Philadelphia team, even if its name reeks Philadelphia (FC 1776 Philadelphia Liberty and Brotherly Love Quaker Cheesesteaks!), it’s hard for me to imagine many Philadelphians traveling out to watch an MLS game in a place whose existence most Philadelphians barely acknowledge.

I’d write something about Don Garber’s baffling decision to fine Peter Nowak for “improper remarks” he allegedly made last month, but I find the incompetence with which the league has handled this too angering. Maybe I’ll say something later, but not now. Plus, it’s not like I could write anything more exactly apt than what D already wrote over at DCenters.

Well, actually, I’ll just say this one thing about this little tidbit from Steven Goff’s report:

In an interview last month, Nowak said he was weighing his legal options against Real Salt Lake Coach John Ellinger and that second-year club.

I hope Nowak’s still considering that option.

I was in favor of the Red Bull acquisition from the start, but I understood why some others objected. After the last few days, however, anyone who still opposes this deal is out of their mind.

First, we got reports earlier this week that the plans for the new stadium in Harrison, NJ “may change slightly to include a retractable roof.” It’s hard enough to get roofs of any kind on Major League Soccer stadiums. Crew Stadium doesn’t have a roof. Pizza Hut Park doesn’t have a roof. The original plans for the Home Depot Center didn’t have a roof. But a retractable roof? On an MLS stadium? That’s big time.

Next we heard that Red Bull may buy 80,000 tickets for the home opener and then give the tickets away. Now there are some risks in this. It devalues the product (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?), and it’s possible that nobody will show up (They can’t even give the tickets away!).

But the more I think about this, and the more I think about the Red Bull company, the more confident I am this will all be wildly successful. Say what you want, but if Red Bull knows how to do anything they know how to create hype and demand. And if their marketing guys say this is a good idea then I’m inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. This is what it comes down to: if AEG were in charge of a similar giveaway I’d be totally opposed because I’d be certain it would end in embarrassment.

Then Tab Ramos started whining. I support anything that makes Tab Ramos whine.

But that’s not all. Alexi Lalas banned the horns from the Meadowlands. His quote is a thing of beauty: “The maddening cacophony that is the hallmark of these instruments of the devil has been detrimental to our sport. Many fans have experienced the debilitating effects that can result from prolonged exposure to a horn.” The best thing they ever did for the atmosphere at the Home Depot Center was ban the horns at Galaxy games.

(And hopefully Chivas USA will follow suit. As it is I refuse to sit in the enclosed end of that stadium when I go to Chivas USA games. Once those horns start echoing you feel like your head’s gonna expode. No, let me rephrase that. Once those horns start echoing you wish your head would explode and put you out of your misery.)

If that weren’t enough, the folks at MatchNight’s NY/NJ bureau reported today that Red Bull would be offering a free, all inclusive trip to the Red Bull’s away opener against DC United. This is astonishing. The MetroStars made it plainly obvious they hated their fans. They treated them with nothing but contempt. Now Red Bull New York is giving them free tickets and transportation to an away game.

Apparently this was “a big push by Lalas and Red Bull to show the heart and intent of the new ownership to provide fans with ‘unparalleled service’ and that Red Bull recognizes the importance of support in away venues such as DC.” It’s no joke, they’re really going to do this. I said a while back that it was high time MLS did more for away supporters, but what Red Bull New York has planned goes far beyond the simple and cheap stuff I was talking about. I’m floored.

Is the CFKA MetroStars finally becoming the “model franchise” it once laughingly claimed to be? Is Red Bull New York showing us the future of Major League Soccer? I sure hope so.