What an odd opening weekend. I had all the anticipation that everyone else did. Then the weekend finally came and I watched all the games. And at the end of that weekend I found myself scratching my head and saying “What the devil was that”?

I was as confused as DC United by that strangely uniformed team that went up by two goals while playing with conviction and belief. The team that gave up two goals in the second half looked familiar though. Reminded me of those MetroSomethings - whatever they were called.

And don’t you think that team down in Houston played just like the San Jose Earthquakes? The resemblance was uncanny.

What happened to my favorite lovable losers? Where have you gone, CD Chivas USA? If it wasn’t for El Guzano in the net and the Tom and Miles sideshow I’d hardly have recognized the team. (You read it here first: CD Chivas USA will have a winning record against the Galaxy this year.)

I couldn’t believe that John Ellinger defied all expectations and did the extraordinary. See, it takes a special kind of talent to make an expansion team worse in its sophomore year than in its inaugural season. But evidently John Ellinger is a man with just that special talent. (You read it here first: Real Salt Lake might win a game this year.)

Then there’s the oddest case of all: Why is Fernando Clavijo still coaching in Major League Soccer? Nothing that man has done with that team makes a lick of sense to me. As I once suggested on a prominent internet message board, the ways of Fernando are an enigma.

Strange days, indeed. Though not as strange as that Magnum PI number Scott Garlick’s got growing on his face.

This here is everything you need to know about every team in MLS in twelve words.

The Eastern Conference

• Chicago Fire: Untried
• Columbus Crew: SigiSized
• DC United: Maturing
• Kansas City Wizards: Ordinary
• Red Bull New York: MetroStars
• New England Revolution: Consistent

• CD Chivas USA: Gringofied
• Colorado Rapids: Rudderless
• FC Dallas: Stagnant
• Houston Dynamo: Pacesetter
• Los Angeles Galaxy: Puffery
• Real Salt Lake: Antiquated

Oh, fine, gringofied and SigiSized aren’t real words. But neither is MetroStars.

Yes, I know. I haven’t written in a while. You know how it is.

But buried in a long forsaken corner of an old hard-drive I just found the old MLS Takeover spot from - what - 2000 or so?

Here it is for your viewing pleasure: MLS Takeover

And, yes, I suppose it doesn’t really count as “MLS advertising” because it was produced by ESPN. Still …

I’d write something about Don Garber’s baffling decision to fine Peter Nowak for “improper remarks” he allegedly made last month, but I find the incompetence with which the league has handled this too angering. Maybe I’ll say something later, but not now. Plus, it’s not like I could write anything more exactly apt than what D already wrote over at DCenters.

Well, actually, I’ll just say this one thing about this little tidbit from Steven Goff’s report:

In an interview last month, Nowak said he was weighing his legal options against Real Salt Lake Coach John Ellinger and that second-year club.

I hope Nowak’s still considering that option.

The Revolution were kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
’cause they fought with am’teur timing

There was funky Clint Dempsey and little Franchino
Clint said here comes Steve Nicol, lets get it on
They had some words and punches thrown, started wrestling on the ground
The fighting got Stevie so pissed, now Dempsey’s missing the team trip

The Revolution were kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
’cause they fought with am’teur timing